The kumkum on her forehead glistened under the golden rays of the sun. It also clearly partitioned (the red partition )her emotional space into the individual and the role-bound. Yes, Kusum was past her thirties and tethered carefully to her duties at home and work.
As part of her weekly-routine, she was rummaging her cupboard, which had piles of clothes, hanging, dangling and slinging in the most disorderly fashion. She sighed on the mess and horde of chores that lay before her. She reflected.
The space that she and her husband had built and nurtured together was live with energy, with kids who had become the focal point of all their attention. But then, there was something stifling, which she feared would suck down her individuality, into a whirlpool of exacting responsibilities.
She had her life-partner whom she could count on but in the daily bustle of other duties, their mutual relationship did not enjoy ample space!
The male, the female and marriage
And, on those lines, her train of thought headed towards the institution of marriage. Hers was an arranged marriage. All that she knew about her then would-be was his family-background, his qualifications, financial earnings(to determine sustainability for running a family) andl, other aspects of character and behaviour that confirmed to societal norms. Her parents did not go to the extent of hiring private detectives(which some of her friends’ parents did to certify the credentials of their prospective groom) to cross-check and confirm the candidature of their would-be son-in-law. They went by hearsay of trustworthy sources and deemed him the ideal fit for their darling daughter. The other factors should, according to her parents, snugly fit in, within these critical parameters, which were important for sustaining a marital relationship. After all, Kusum’s parents married and were still married, on that foundation.
Yes, she was bound as was her husband in this relationship called marriage – the one that would give her anchorage during troubled times, make her step into challenging roles and lead a “fulfilling” life. But she wondered whether the alignment was perfect?
The one-to-one with the marital vows
From the tiny ant to the giant whale, survival of the species, was the primary urge for mating and reproduction. To achieve this purpose, the male would just pick on any female of its species, and simply lay on the other to accomplish the mission it had set for. The slightly evolved would of course, engage in foreplay to attract and stimulate the female before performing the final cosummation. Well, as the wanderers of the wild, there were no marital ties, to bond these quadrupeds into a definitive relationship.
But as humans evolved, the need to set up an institution was realized to bring about orderliness and some organization in the system. What was the genesis of this system?
Polygamy was in vogue, legalizing the man to have many wives and to equate, polyandry too was accommodated…Here, Kusum’s thought processes came to an abrupt halt. She had often read about extra-marital affairs, live-ins, pre-marital sex and other aspects that vowed to defile the sanctity of a marital relationship. Was the transition to the strict one-to-one relationship between a male and female in the physical, moral and emotional plane, more of an imposition of society than being instinctive?
You could keep your senses under check, your body under control but would that guarantee that the emotional space of your partner is meant exclusively for you?
The male-psyche and the female synchronization
All through her upbringing in a conservative Brahmin Family, Kusum was taught about the significance of being a woman and how naturally accommodative women are supposed to be with respect to their men, family and society. In fact, while pregnant, her very own gynaec, would educate her about the exemplifying qualities of women- their natural ability to synchronize their orbit with men, come what may! The virtue of acceptance, her doc would say was the greatest, for a woman.
Being a non-conformist and a punk rebel right from a young age, Kusum would argue at length with her elders about the whole framework and that it doesn’t create space for love- only quashes women to submit and surrender for namesake, whether they are emotionally committed or not.
She would even contest the male-readiness for it? Leaving aside the fact that males sized-up any one being clad in a tinge of femininity, how conditioned was the male mind to embrace the institution of marriage?
Evolution- when one female was not enough to keep her man happy!
Evolution has traced the male footprints with that of females and going by the evidence, they were not bound to the exclusive one of the opposite sex. The king of the jungle, for instance, would always be festooned with many lionesses. Yesteryear ancestors of royal descent added pride to their family, by winning over other territories and bringing in more wives to the clan. It was always “the more, the merrier”, when it came to men, who established their political dominance, physical prowess and potent as a virile male.
And yet, the solemnized bonding of a relationship came into being, to maintain a sense of system, a framework becoming of the evolved to maintain harmony, dignity, integrity and fidelity in a relationship.
Was it then constricting their emotional space, curtailing their sense of being to grow into a full-fledged masculine entity, to be bonded with just one woman?
Kusum mulled and asked herself, “How much had she reconciled to this principle and premise of marriage?” she had had her own share of discord and disputes in the relationship, which had left her in despair. She too had secretly empathized and admired women who broke free from the clichés to stand up for themselves.
Her husband too, she felt was tied to the same rigidity. At the most, he would give way to forgivable indulgences in flirting or exercising chivalry for women left in the lurch. She would even ask him jokingly “What if you get attracted to another woman?” or, “What if we outgrow the passion for each other?”. After all, the fact lay bare, that humans did have their animal instincts, which were only subdued by rigorous discipline. Her husband would always shrug it off, as one of Kusum’s wild ramblings, saying that once tied to a discipline better abide by it, than straying off and bearing the burden of guilt for the rest of your life.
GUILT as the “elephantiasis of the conscience”
But Kusum was still at war with herself. She knew that more than the wrong it was the guilt of doing the wrong, which was the prime-killer. How did those involved in extra-marital affairs survive the guilt? She had known of close chums’ husbands, with the same background of upbringing, who had chosen this route for “better-life”. Or did they simply seek adventure out of the whole thing- the thrill of being able to break free, vent out their frustrations and be happy?
Was being guiltless the answer to being liberated and feeling happy? Guilt sensitized us to the existence of our fellow beings, and enforced the discipline for peaceful coexistence. But overblown guilt also deprived us of little pleasures of life.
Did, then, the laws of marriage also have a hidden clause of guilt erupting with the failure to abide by it? Did men fear it?
Casanova to the householder to the ascetic
The transformation from a Casanova to the ascetic, does not happen without getting satiated with the desire for the female! The Casanova with his aimless pursuits and quests does seek the anchorage of a stolid woman, who would help him sail through thick and thin, to help him finally retire to his home, rest-assured. There is security that fastens your needs and guarantees comfort. There is the shock-absorber effect with being home-bound, even if the home is not flooded by a diversity of females. There are males who cling to this principle and carry forward with their family, thereby testifying for the stability of the institution of marriage.
And there are those, who feel that the terms and conditions of marriage are far too binding for their wild west wind spirit. They would rather sweep every other woman off their feet, make out, and set forth on their journey without the remnants of the past. They prefer being rootless. The same applies to the new-genre of liberated women, who would rather break the mould than giving shape to it, by rushing with the changing times and plunging into adventures, which would only plummet them into the abyss.
Redeemed from the past, challenging biological instincts
While thinking hard over these aspects, Kusum got hold of some hand-written letters(three, that she had received ) from the cupboard, which had the faint odour of the past. Those letters had extolled her poetic skills, which were published in national dailies and had also won her a prize.
The letters were beautifully worded, an expression, which would have made Kusum fall head-over-heels in love with a person who could take time out to discern her personality through her poems. Same wavelength, sensitivity, insightfulness…He could have been the man, Kusum had fancied in her dreams and she would have loved to see it materialize to reality had she not been a marriage and two kids too late. Even though the individual in her had swayed to step beyond the other side of the red partition, to have it her way, there was something that held her back, at that point in time.
Conformed , conditioned, or Committed?
Kusum’s was a marriage where two people from diverse backgrounds, value-systems, principles had come together. On their premise, it was difficult even for perceptions to coexist on the most critical issues.
Going by the evolutionary biological aspects of the male and the female, both she and her husband had had their temptations to be led astray from their marital arrangement, go seeking a mate, who would suit their tastes and be perfectly in-sync with their individual mindsets. Yet, there was something else that proved to be a stronger binding force in their relationship, which transcended physical attraction, like-mindedness or the emotional security besought in a marriage.
The infatuations, mid-life crises she (and probably her husband too) had been through were those passing-phases, where one did not drop the anchor or stop by in the journey towards fulfilment.
Mutual sustainability of marriage, she realized was not just being agreeable on every issue. But creating a common path between the individual spaces of each partner, that would align perfect with the common vision. Yes, the answer was in being committed to the common goals of a partnership.
Kusum wondered, if she had had to marry her own living image in terms of mindset, personality, would she have evolved in terms of personhood? She had imbibed a bit of her hubby in herself, as much as he had taken in, a part of her. And, this had been possible only because both of them accepted and were committed to the “one-to-one” principle of the marital space- exclusive to each other in all planes.
Those appreciative, hand-written letters, which she beheld, did remind her of the old Kusum and her wild spirit. But they were similar to flying kites, blowing with the current, with no distinct trails but just strings pulled and steered, and ultimately breaking-free into nothingness!
Kusum sought anchorage in the terra-firma, stability and rooting, to nurture and be nurtured. She attained these through the mutual marital space, which provided for her, helped her grow, branch out and flower to greater heights, as hers, his and theirs truly, surely and purely.
As part of her weekly-routine, she was rummaging her cupboard, which had piles of clothes, hanging, dangling and slinging in the most disorderly fashion. She sighed on the mess and horde of chores that lay before her. She reflected.
The space that she and her husband had built and nurtured together was live with energy, with kids who had become the focal point of all their attention. But then, there was something stifling, which she feared would suck down her individuality, into a whirlpool of exacting responsibilities.
She had her life-partner whom she could count on but in the daily bustle of other duties, their mutual relationship did not enjoy ample space!
The male, the female and marriage
And, on those lines, her train of thought headed towards the institution of marriage. Hers was an arranged marriage. All that she knew about her then would-be was his family-background, his qualifications, financial earnings(to determine sustainability for running a family) andl, other aspects of character and behaviour that confirmed to societal norms. Her parents did not go to the extent of hiring private detectives(which some of her friends’ parents did to certify the credentials of their prospective groom) to cross-check and confirm the candidature of their would-be son-in-law. They went by hearsay of trustworthy sources and deemed him the ideal fit for their darling daughter. The other factors should, according to her parents, snugly fit in, within these critical parameters, which were important for sustaining a marital relationship. After all, Kusum’s parents married and were still married, on that foundation.
Yes, she was bound as was her husband in this relationship called marriage – the one that would give her anchorage during troubled times, make her step into challenging roles and lead a “fulfilling” life. But she wondered whether the alignment was perfect?
The one-to-one with the marital vows
From the tiny ant to the giant whale, survival of the species, was the primary urge for mating and reproduction. To achieve this purpose, the male would just pick on any female of its species, and simply lay on the other to accomplish the mission it had set for. The slightly evolved would of course, engage in foreplay to attract and stimulate the female before performing the final cosummation. Well, as the wanderers of the wild, there were no marital ties, to bond these quadrupeds into a definitive relationship.
But as humans evolved, the need to set up an institution was realized to bring about orderliness and some organization in the system. What was the genesis of this system?
Polygamy was in vogue, legalizing the man to have many wives and to equate, polyandry too was accommodated…Here, Kusum’s thought processes came to an abrupt halt. She had often read about extra-marital affairs, live-ins, pre-marital sex and other aspects that vowed to defile the sanctity of a marital relationship. Was the transition to the strict one-to-one relationship between a male and female in the physical, moral and emotional plane, more of an imposition of society than being instinctive?
You could keep your senses under check, your body under control but would that guarantee that the emotional space of your partner is meant exclusively for you?
The male-psyche and the female synchronization
All through her upbringing in a conservative Brahmin Family, Kusum was taught about the significance of being a woman and how naturally accommodative women are supposed to be with respect to their men, family and society. In fact, while pregnant, her very own gynaec, would educate her about the exemplifying qualities of women- their natural ability to synchronize their orbit with men, come what may! The virtue of acceptance, her doc would say was the greatest, for a woman.
Being a non-conformist and a punk rebel right from a young age, Kusum would argue at length with her elders about the whole framework and that it doesn’t create space for love- only quashes women to submit and surrender for namesake, whether they are emotionally committed or not.
She would even contest the male-readiness for it? Leaving aside the fact that males sized-up any one being clad in a tinge of femininity, how conditioned was the male mind to embrace the institution of marriage?
Evolution- when one female was not enough to keep her man happy!
Evolution has traced the male footprints with that of females and going by the evidence, they were not bound to the exclusive one of the opposite sex. The king of the jungle, for instance, would always be festooned with many lionesses. Yesteryear ancestors of royal descent added pride to their family, by winning over other territories and bringing in more wives to the clan. It was always “the more, the merrier”, when it came to men, who established their political dominance, physical prowess and potent as a virile male.
And yet, the solemnized bonding of a relationship came into being, to maintain a sense of system, a framework becoming of the evolved to maintain harmony, dignity, integrity and fidelity in a relationship.
Was it then constricting their emotional space, curtailing their sense of being to grow into a full-fledged masculine entity, to be bonded with just one woman?
Kusum mulled and asked herself, “How much had she reconciled to this principle and premise of marriage?” she had had her own share of discord and disputes in the relationship, which had left her in despair. She too had secretly empathized and admired women who broke free from the clichés to stand up for themselves.
Her husband too, she felt was tied to the same rigidity. At the most, he would give way to forgivable indulgences in flirting or exercising chivalry for women left in the lurch. She would even ask him jokingly “What if you get attracted to another woman?” or, “What if we outgrow the passion for each other?”. After all, the fact lay bare, that humans did have their animal instincts, which were only subdued by rigorous discipline. Her husband would always shrug it off, as one of Kusum’s wild ramblings, saying that once tied to a discipline better abide by it, than straying off and bearing the burden of guilt for the rest of your life.
GUILT as the “elephantiasis of the conscience”
But Kusum was still at war with herself. She knew that more than the wrong it was the guilt of doing the wrong, which was the prime-killer. How did those involved in extra-marital affairs survive the guilt? She had known of close chums’ husbands, with the same background of upbringing, who had chosen this route for “better-life”. Or did they simply seek adventure out of the whole thing- the thrill of being able to break free, vent out their frustrations and be happy?
Was being guiltless the answer to being liberated and feeling happy? Guilt sensitized us to the existence of our fellow beings, and enforced the discipline for peaceful coexistence. But overblown guilt also deprived us of little pleasures of life.
Did, then, the laws of marriage also have a hidden clause of guilt erupting with the failure to abide by it? Did men fear it?
Casanova to the householder to the ascetic
The transformation from a Casanova to the ascetic, does not happen without getting satiated with the desire for the female! The Casanova with his aimless pursuits and quests does seek the anchorage of a stolid woman, who would help him sail through thick and thin, to help him finally retire to his home, rest-assured. There is security that fastens your needs and guarantees comfort. There is the shock-absorber effect with being home-bound, even if the home is not flooded by a diversity of females. There are males who cling to this principle and carry forward with their family, thereby testifying for the stability of the institution of marriage.
And there are those, who feel that the terms and conditions of marriage are far too binding for their wild west wind spirit. They would rather sweep every other woman off their feet, make out, and set forth on their journey without the remnants of the past. They prefer being rootless. The same applies to the new-genre of liberated women, who would rather break the mould than giving shape to it, by rushing with the changing times and plunging into adventures, which would only plummet them into the abyss.
Redeemed from the past, challenging biological instincts
While thinking hard over these aspects, Kusum got hold of some hand-written letters(three, that she had received ) from the cupboard, which had the faint odour of the past. Those letters had extolled her poetic skills, which were published in national dailies and had also won her a prize.
The letters were beautifully worded, an expression, which would have made Kusum fall head-over-heels in love with a person who could take time out to discern her personality through her poems. Same wavelength, sensitivity, insightfulness…He could have been the man, Kusum had fancied in her dreams and she would have loved to see it materialize to reality had she not been a marriage and two kids too late. Even though the individual in her had swayed to step beyond the other side of the red partition, to have it her way, there was something that held her back, at that point in time.
Conformed , conditioned, or Committed?
Kusum’s was a marriage where two people from diverse backgrounds, value-systems, principles had come together. On their premise, it was difficult even for perceptions to coexist on the most critical issues.
Going by the evolutionary biological aspects of the male and the female, both she and her husband had had their temptations to be led astray from their marital arrangement, go seeking a mate, who would suit their tastes and be perfectly in-sync with their individual mindsets. Yet, there was something else that proved to be a stronger binding force in their relationship, which transcended physical attraction, like-mindedness or the emotional security besought in a marriage.
The infatuations, mid-life crises she (and probably her husband too) had been through were those passing-phases, where one did not drop the anchor or stop by in the journey towards fulfilment.
Mutual sustainability of marriage, she realized was not just being agreeable on every issue. But creating a common path between the individual spaces of each partner, that would align perfect with the common vision. Yes, the answer was in being committed to the common goals of a partnership.
Kusum wondered, if she had had to marry her own living image in terms of mindset, personality, would she have evolved in terms of personhood? She had imbibed a bit of her hubby in herself, as much as he had taken in, a part of her. And, this had been possible only because both of them accepted and were committed to the “one-to-one” principle of the marital space- exclusive to each other in all planes.
Those appreciative, hand-written letters, which she beheld, did remind her of the old Kusum and her wild spirit. But they were similar to flying kites, blowing with the current, with no distinct trails but just strings pulled and steered, and ultimately breaking-free into nothingness!
Kusum sought anchorage in the terra-firma, stability and rooting, to nurture and be nurtured. She attained these through the mutual marital space, which provided for her, helped her grow, branch out and flower to greater heights, as hers, his and theirs truly, surely and purely.
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